There is a vast difference between accountability, condemnation, and victimization.
Accountability says “I see my part.”
Condemnation says “I can’t believe I did that. I’m such an idiot.”
Victimization says “I couldn’t help it.”
The goal here is to learn to take accountability for yourself. You are worthy of having control over yourself.
You are worthy of love.
And you are worthy of being taken care of, but this isn’t someone else’s responsibility, it is your own. I understand the need for love.
All my life I was looking for love from men and I was changing every part of myself to feel pretty enough to get one. I got some, I actually got a lot, but I never got the love I was truly looking for.
From the time I was a preteen, I wanted attention from guys. That is probably why I stayed when I knew I should have left. I remember the night very clearly. A friend and I were over at a house carrying on with a group of guys in our neighborhood.
As my friend got up to leave, I said, “Oh I am good. I am going to hang here.” And that was my first mistake.
I won’t take the blame for what happened to me that night, staying behind or not, I didn’t deserve to be gang-raped by six different guys.
There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it, what they did was horrifically wrong.
And as I stood in the front yard of that same house over three decades later, I had a choice to make: I could stay bitter and angry, or I could forgive them and move on.
It was my choice. It is always a choice to stay a victim or to overcome and move forward.
Resilience is about moving forward in the face of adversity.
But here’s one of the most important things I could ever tell you:
Even in situations that are beyond our control, where we have been wronged, abused, cheated on, or any other type of painful life scenario, we have to accept that while we may have been a victim of the circumstance, we still have a part to play in bringing health and healing to our lives.
In other words, we are accountable for our own healing and wholeness, whether we directly caused the problem or not.
I had things done to me as a child which weren’t my fault. I was misled and deceived and led into things that were just flat-out wrong.
But as part of my healing process, I discovered that taking accountability for the bad things in my life wasn’t about ignoring what had happened, nor was it saying that I had to openly accept the people who had caused me pain.
Not at all.
It was about accepting that my future would have never been full of life, freedom, and fruitfulness if I had chosen to remain in a position of victimization. Holding onto a victim mindset will only make a person more bitter and dysfunctional in their relational interactions.
So, take accountability for what the future of your life looks like.
I really believe we have far more control over it than we realize.